Changes

4am...we've had about 3.5 hours of sleep and it doesn't look like you're wanting to sleep. So I go to my little trick that always seems to do the job, nursing lying down. We both doze off this way, sideways, facing each other. I brush your hair with my hand and kiss your little forehead. 
The day before you'd had trouble sleeping too and after about an hour of coaxing, you finally doze off, on my side of the bed. I'm so exhausted and wiped, I let you remain sprawled out on my side, next to daddy while I find a spot on the end of the bed.
In retrospect its funny, yet sad. But these are the moments we'll look back on and laugh at, almost missing the sleep deprivation, almost! Whenever you aren't able to sleep and you're spitting up, I can't help but feel guilty, thinking it was something I ate. Daddy & I ran down the list of what I could've possibly had that upset you, but we came up with nothing. I've restricted my diet, tried eating mainly organic, clean food, minimal spices and absolutely no curries (I can't wait to have vindaloo again!) but it seems like something didn't agree with you. All night you were fussy, fighting sleep, spitting up, but i'm always so impressed with how you can still muster up the strength to crack a smile, a big beautiful drooly smile!
Sometimes though you fuss, and because we can't communicate with eachother beyond facial expressions and affection, I often find myself trying to reason with you, and then I realize how silly it is for me to do that. Today I caught myself trying to reason with you while you writhed and stiffened your body as I dressed you. Between cries and objections, I said "Baby, you're really not making this any easier for me or you, so if you just please stop for a second, it'll be over faster." Ha, and of course you didn't budge.
The weather today was windy and overcast. I kept looking at the bed, wanting to cuddle with you and the pillows (daddy was running errands), but whenever I would try, I found something new around the house that needed to get done, dishes, laundry, sweeping, organizing, ahh the list never ends. And you love to be mommy's helper, watching me and playing with your feet (your new activity). But from now on, whenever there's cuddle weather, theres a cuddle session to be had, and the dishes will just have to wait!Love you cuddle bear! -Mommy